Saudade

Fortunately London is a place where one doesn't have to stay homeless for long. I have found myself a new apartment and will be moving in next weekend. The new flat is in the same neighbourhood I am living in now so I can stay set in many of my ways. I will miss this place and am somewhat worried about how I am going to fit all my belongings in a room that is clearly a lot smaller but I genuinely like the looks of my new accommodation.

Last week has awoken a feeling in me that had stayed dormant thus far. The feeling is simultaneously fed by my need to move out and the fact that I have just agreed to rent out my Amsterdam apartment for the next 6 months again. Breaking through my emotional surface is a nagging homesickness. Up until now I had been too absorbed by my new life in London to spend much time thinking about the one I left behind. London is a greedy lover, jealously demanding all your time and energy. The city had blinded me to my old love.

Amsterdam is the only city that really makes my heart beat faster. Cycling along the canals on a sunny afternoon makes it skip a beat. I miss the houseboats, miss shopping on the Albert Cuyp and, most of all, miss the feeling of being at home. In London I still feel on the outside. I am merely passing through. The problem is that I will be passing through for at least another 6 months and with my current line of work, it is very possible my next destination will not be Amsterdam. This was my choice and it is a choice that I do not regret. This is what I want to do with my life. But on days like today, my heart sings heavy with saudade.